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VOICE CRUSHES & GROCERY STORE FANTASIES!


Do some voices ignite your imagination? Just the other day I found myself stalking a voice I heard over the PA system at the grocery store. It was a cross between Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones. "Manager, please report to the office. Customer needs you." I'd be lying if I didn't admit that for a hot second, I considered being that "customer."


Oh, yeah! This customer needed to match a face/body with the sexy sound from the speakers! I love hearing voices—and not just the ones in my head. I went through a phase when I would call CVS Pharmacy just to listen to the recording of the guy saying, "This is CVS. Located at …"


Have you ever seen/heard of old-time actress Barbara Feldon? She played Agent 99 on a 20th-century TV sitcom called "Get Smart." Her voice was a blend of sultriness and sophistication. Her melodic quality exuded both confidence and femininity. Loved her!!! She did tons of commercials.


And don't even get me started on Ari Shapiro, one of the anchors on NPR's"All Things Considered." I swoon. It's an educated voice, if you know what I mean. He could make quantum physics sound like "Fifty Shades," for crying out loud. I checked out his Wikipedia page. (Again, with the stalking.) The guy went to Yale (graduated magna cum laude, no less). He also sings in a band. (Of course, he does!) He's super good-looking, too. And completely out as a gay man. Married. Probably has an equally smart and sexy husband. Mom and Dad must be really proud. I'm envious.


Seeing Terry Gross of NPR's "Fresh Air" on Stephen Colbert made me think of meeting a pen pal for the first time. Yep, she looks just as I'd imagined. I could see her munching on a croissant and sipping an espresso. Funny. Intelligent. Talented.


And then there's Will Shortz, puzzle editor for The New York Times. I've heard him for years on NPR's "Weekend Edition." Love listening to his voice. Saw him a few years ago on an episode of "How I Met Your Mother." He's adorable, but not at all what I pictured, which was tall, broad-shouldered, dimpled. In real life, he looks like the smart guy that he is. He's a puzzle-solving Clark Kent. But hey, reality has it's own charm. Nerdy is the new sexy, after all. Which I actually find very seductive.

But coming back to my supermarket escapade, despite my best detective moves (which mainly involved lurking around the baked goods section), my dream voice eluded me. Darn! I didn't get the romantic date that I was sure would follow once our eyes met. Instead, I had to settle for Pringles, Oreos, and Mama Celeste frozen pizzas. Oh hell, I've convinced myself that Dorito's cool ranch is crunchier than any dude I'd find at a Piggly Wiggly anyway. Jeez!


They say, "Love is blind." I say, "Sometimes it's just hard of hearing!"



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